My passage into Adulthood

Childhood.

Who can forget those days? The red frock and matching bag and shoes which I wore on my first day in kindergarten, those tears running down and tiny fingers latched on to my mother’s hand so she would not be able to leave me and go. Then the teacher, a Mrs. K, a benevolent lady with a mellifluous voice gently loosening my grip on my mother’s hand and taking me inside with the promise of lots of new friends, fun and chocolates. I watched sadly as my mom waved to me, calling out to enjoy myself and not to worry about anything. It is true that I do not vividly remember the happenings of that day but I remember till date that it had been a very fun filled day and that was when I met my first friend. I went back home happily with lots of stories to tell my folks at home about my new friends and how I was looking forward to going back the next day. My parents were obviously relieved at my having gotten adjusted quite nicely to my new environment. Kindergarten for the rest of the time passed quite eventfully, learning as well as having fun. My only tension was what I would get to carry for lunch the next day. Life was so carefree.
Then came the next step, the school interview which is etched in my memory because it was such a special day and I met one of the kindest yet firm and dynamic visionary teachers I have ever met. My headmistress Mrs. J, the typical stern looking face that looked down at kids through scary (I though so then!) glasses. But when she smiled, she was a different lady altogether. Soon, we came to know she was a woman who coddled us as much as she expected discipline from us. In fact she was the one who discovered my penchant for creative writing and inspired me to win several competitions. Soon, I became her pet student because (I am not boasting here!!!) I was pretty good at academics, music, creative writing and karate even. Although school was also fun, life changed quite a bit. All of a sudden we were saddled with something called “homework” failing which, every single day the consequences were bound to be quite ugly. Nails had to be snipped perfectly, every hair in place and we were never to forget our badges. (Psst…there has been many an occasion when I forgot my badge). Even that passed rapidly owing to some really memorable teachers who made learning a fun thing.

Adolescence.

I was now in middle school. Environmental Studies (EVS) was now divided into three chunks- Physics, Chemistry and Biology. Social Studies was divided into History & Civics and Geography.

Middle school and high school too passed fairly uneventfully what with homework and record- writing being my primary concern, leaving me with almost nil time for play and enjoyment. As a result, with a heavy heart I dropped music classes but continued to sing for the school music team anyway. Here I must thank Mr. S for not only giving me unofficial musical training but also teaching me lessons in humility and simplicity. His simple way of dressing and living despite his numerous achievements was something I strived to emulate and still hold close to my heart.

All I remember about ninth and tenth is the immense pressure from teachers, parents, relatives to compete with my peers and “beat” them at every exam. The only thing that comes to my mind is studying, studying and more studying. Pulling off all-nighters before the geography and physics exams. Plodding my way through a labyrinth of multiple theorems, formulae, incomprehensible archaic Kannada poetry, geographical statistics and practicing diagrams for biology, night after night. High School passed in a blur and soon, I came to college.

College! That wonderful place I had been wanting to attend ever since I was in school and had seen my cousin doing so. The freedom from the ole’ white-and-blue, no more ties and black ribbons, neither badges nor restrictions. I was simply thrilled at the prospect of attending the same college which my old school gang had joined. We would not be separated. My happiness knew no bounds.

College was one place where I learnt much more than just accountancy, mathematics, statistics and business studies. My equation with some of my old friends changed as I found new ones who despite not fitting into the old mould became very close to me. Despite being allowed to wear the dress of our choice, I realized that there were restrictions, even if they were practically invisible. Freedom brought with it responsibilities too. I was beginning to get a taste of adolescence. Then the inevitable happened. The reason for every teenage girl’s angst. Crushes. But since I have never been a crush kind of person, I fancied myself to be in love.

Those agonizing moments of separation and waiting, the long telephonic chats, the flush in my cheeks that I unsuccessfully tried to control whenever I saw him or spoke with him, viewing the world in a rosy impractical way and reading more relationship psychology books and trying to correlate the material I was reading with the situations in my life. Now when I look back on those days, I find it quite comical that I did all this for an unrequited affection.

Unrequited as it may have been, it was extremely intense and long lasting. It made me more self aware and knowing him changed me, knowingly or unknowingly. Some of the changes that have been for the better while others… Best not to dwell on the past.

Adulthood.

I have always believed firmly that it is not age that matures people but difficulties and disillusionments. All through my life, I had been this happy go lucky child who got everything she wished for and maybe even more. This illusion broke fairly quickly when I became an adult. An adult, at least by the legal requirements of my country. My irrepressible self sobered down when the bubble popped, just when I had believed that my life was absolutely perfect. Just when I thought that I was so utterly lovable that nobody could possibly walk out on me, someone I had considered very close to my heart just turned his back on me and walked out of my life…just like that…forever. Although I have spent many sleepless nights wondering about the reason behind such a rash decision and also how to get my friend back, I must now actually thank him for teaching me the greatest lesson I had yet to learn. A dose of realism into my life and that life was never perfect. Not for long, at least.

This incident and a few more disillusionments led me to appreciate my true friendships and also the value of those things which I had, but had never quite understood the significance of, until I almost lost them. These trying times strengthened me as a person and changed me a lot. Earlier I might have offered perfunctory prayers but since then, my faith and belief have gotten stronger.

These are not the only transformations that adulthood has brought with it. The rosy glasses shattered, now I can view the world more objectively. I scoff now at the awe and admiration that I held for a teacher in my high school who with her fiery speeches was very provocative. I recognize it now for what it was, misdirecting zeal and aggression, twisting of facts to make things appear more romantic to our adolescent minds; something which my adolescent mind could not figure out then. Adolescent minds are quite pliable and impressionable. The lessons taught then and those occurrences, we carry throughout life. I have not been too impacted by her fiery speeches although thanks to her, Netaji Subhash Chandra Bose will always remain my favourite freedom fighter. Now, I realize that the docile petite teacher whom we believed to be quite tame and therefore too sweet to be interesting, could be just the one to effectively tackle any crisis competently with her unique blend of gentleness and assertiveness. Mrs. G, your commentary on Shakespeare and the words of wisdom you told to me when you caught me reading a Perry Mason novel in your class, I will never forget. I can never get over my surprise when you spoke at length to me about that book and suggested few other novels, but adding with a smile “However not in my class”. It was also to this very same teacher, that I remember telling that I wanted to do law after tenth standard. Law, then was a very unconventional career choice to follow. She looked at me for the longest time and just when I feared she might comment and embarrass me, she asked me why I wanted to pursue law. To be honest, I had no other answer with me apart from the fact that I felt like Law was my calling. She simply nodded understandingly and smiled that all knowing smile of hers. She was something of a female Dumbledore in my eyes, just as powerfully impacting her students’ lives. I know one thing for sure, wherever she is, we, the ones who were fortunate to be taught by her will never forget her knowledge of the subject, her kindness, quirky sense of humour, soothing manner of speech and the impish manner in which she would trick us into debates opposite each other such as the Lady or the tiger one, the answer to which I still ponder sometimes.

Having thus stepped into adulthood, I hope I will be able to blend the lessons from my adolescence with the carefree optimism of my childhood and forge ahead to create a successful and satisfying life for myself.

Strange Pic...

This is not much of a post but just wanted to share a bit of fairly good (If I may myself dare say

so) photography that I took with my SE F305 (2.0 mp)

There is more to what we see..

Amma is ready to go walking while I am fast asleep. The shrill cry of some vendor breaks through my blissful sleep and I got up annoyed. Still rubbing my eyes, I went near the window and was shocked to see a girl, who was very young trying to sell flowers to some guys who obviously were interested only in humouring their sick interests, whatever they were. I called that girl near my house gate under the pretext of buying flowers and instead spoke to her softly getting a bit chatty with her. She revealed she had not sold any flowers and her father would definitely “punish” her. I don’t know how it struck me to ask her if she had had something and she shook her head. Then in a low tone, she said I want chocolate. At that instant, I understood how psychopaths lure prey using poor kids because poverty itself is a heart wrenching sight. Add to it, a poor child or a pregnant poor woman and I’m sure only a heart of stone wouldn’t squeeze, if only for a moment. I don’t know why I even made that absurd observation but I anyway followed her to the provision store nearby. I bought her a Perk XL though she had asked me only an éclairs toffee. Guess it made me feel great to be in the giver’s position than the receiving. Perhaps I thought I was being generous or maybe simply it was an uncomplicated act of kindness towards the poor child.

Poor or not, the damn kid is smart, I will concede. Once she walked out of the store with me in tow, she retraced her steps. Puzzled, I followed. The nerve of her, she broke down saying she had given me ten rupees for the chocolate and she had not received any change. I was stunned!!! I asked her where she had given me any cash and she cried even louder, saying “Akka I am poor, that does not mean I am dishonest. I gave you money to buy me nice chocolate as I didn’t know which one to buy.” Oh my goodness!!! What a liar! I had no idea why she was doing this to me, after I had been so nice to her. Perhaps I did. She had after all demanded from me to buy ten rupees worth of flowers and one way or the other she made sure that my pocket was lighter by ten rupees. I didn’t want her to create a scene so I just gave her the remaining change I had procured from the shopkeeper with MY money and walked away angrily, cursing my soft nature.


9:30 P.M. As I sit here typing this post out, I wonder if I will ever trust poor people again...


P.S. One question – Why do most shopkeepers scold and send away poor kids or shabbily dressed ones when they ask for chocolate, with money in their hands? ISN’T THAT DISCRIMINATION??? WHY ARE THEY DOING IT???

India scores another judicial victory!

Yay! I am so happy today. India has scored a major judicial victory! May every lover of justice rejoice! Nearly two years after the skeletons and bits of flesh were unearthed in the drainages of an industrial plot in Nithari village, Monindher Pandher and his necro servant Kohli have been convicted by a special court today. While Koli was found guilty by the court under various sections of Indian Penal Code for murder and rape, Pandher was convicted on the same charges along with Section 120-B (criminal conspiracy). Justice at last! Even though I am not personally involved in the case, I can't tell how sweet success smells.

May the victims rest in peace and God bless their families..

Love hurts...

She would never forget that day. In the park, they were sitting cross legged, sheltered from the heavy pitter-patter of harshly falling rain drops by the expansive gazebo. Even now, twenty years down the line she could recollect every fine detail of the exquisite miniatures etched on the gazebo. She remembered his strong clear features and sharp compelling gaze. That dark green shirt that he was wearing that day. The light blue salwar she had been wearing. The harsh words she had said in his face. How she had frozen his passionate ardour without knowing its depth. Pausing her pen on the paper, she leaned back, crying unabashedly for here, nobody knew her and she knew nobody. She wept for him, she wept for the love she had pushed away and the even precious friendship she lost. She closed her eyes recounting the scene. His twenty two year old self was holding the hand of her twenty year old self. He was saying “I love you. I want to be with you forever.” She got enraged at his choice of words despite knowing everything. She lashed out at him “What do you mean forever? There is no forever, we stay together only till one of us conveniently feels the need to dispose of the other.” He was taken aback, he had never seen her act like this. “Are you okay?” he asked gently holding her. Shaking him off, she got up and continued speaking, going breathless with anger and hurt. “Do you remember what he had promised me? Together forever?” “Where is he now? What happened to the forever? No, don’t make all these passionate promises, please leave, I don’t believe in love anymore. One day or the other you will leave, instead its better you leave me now when I don’t love you. If I come to love you then I’ll only be hurt. Love hurts.” He was dumbfounded, “you don’t love me?” he asked and she replied “Of course not, how can I? It is only five months since we started seeing each other.” She walked away from him, letting him grieve over his broken heart in silence.

Bringing her pen to paper, she continued writing till she finally reached the end of the page. She did not sign the letter, why bother? She had as much significance in this village as the flea she had swatted just a minute ago. Once again her heart squeezed painfully remembering the glamorous looking lady, who stood arm-in-arm with him at the inauguration of his new hospital a year back. Determinedly she uncorked the bottle and downed the contents in one gulp. She fell from the chair and began writhing in agony, the pain suffocating her. One last jerk of her limbs and the vase fell making a loud sound that attracted the attention of a passer-by who immediately called for the doctor.


She opened her eyes with much difficulty and saw a greying man attending to her efficiently, worry written all over his face. Then he looked at her, she gasped. It was Him. The same bright brown eyes. “What are you doing here?” she asked him, trying to get up but with no success. “We meet again” he said dryly, explaining the poison that she had taken had been potent enough to paralyse her for life and perhaps had there not been immediate medical assistance, extensive brain damage as well. “Why did you do this?” his voice cracked for the first time and he seemed on the verge of tears himself. She cocked her head towards her left, indicating the letter on the table which she had finished writing. “Suicide note” he thought with disgust, hardly believing it. She was the last person he would expect to think of suicide and yet here she had, inevitably tried to take her life. He could not read through the last few lines, not without the hot film of tears coating his eyes, stinging. He turned back and instinctively knew something was wrong. Only one look at her pale face was enough to tell him she now ceased to exist. Reaching out, he closed her eyes which had been looking towards him in an expression he could not make out; her message to him was lost forever. She had loved him too but what a bittersweet moment of realization. She herself had become a memory.

He resisted the urge to break down or pound his fists angrily. He had a wife and family waiting at home, he reminded himself and yet the pain of it was too intense. Her loss was an immense ache in his heart. But he knew what was expected of him, so he picked himself up from the floor and picked up his medical kit, thanking the gods who had given him the opportunity to see her one last time. He walked outside and found that many villagers were peering curiously towards the cottage. “The patient is dead” he announced stoically. They groaned collectively. As the doctor walked away from the cottage, a young girl ran up to him and pulled at his white coat. He looked at her, taken by surprise. “Did you know her?”she asked him, carefully scrutinising the doctor’s face. “No” he said emphatically and went over to his bike. The young girl wondered why the doctor had been lying. She had, after all been able to see his unshed tears.

Life is as blessed as you make it to be...

This piece of writing is a purely personal one that just leads me to marvel at my own brilliance at fooling people with my “mad-hatter grin” as I would like to call, despite the numerous growing frustrations and aches within my heart. No, it’s not that I’m an inexpressive person who holds back everything in my heart. On the contrary, I have always held that my life is one open book. But now, after hearing a very close friend of mine remark that “I’m very blessed to have such a happy life”, I began to think differently. Had I so successfully masked my tears? I definitely deserve a pat, then on my back. Well if I were to dwell on my frustrations, trust me, like every other average human being, I too have experienced my fair share of difficulties. Imagine being at a point when your very future is about to be taken away from you. Imagine that all you have ever dreamt of since you were a bright eyed eighth grader was a career in law and there comes a stage in your life when you have everything in life and then suddenly the bubble pops! The future looking bleak, constantly wavering between tears of frustration and self pity and anger at Fate. That would sure take a lot of guts to deal with and come out unscathed, still retaining your optimism. But you know what? I just somehow did manage to come out unscathed and unscarred in anyway, either emotionally or psychologically. Perhaps my ability to always be optimistic despite clearly being nearly defeated played a very big role, perhaps the unconditional love and support given by family and some precious friends also helped in not leading me to a breakdown, perhaps I still have Fate to thank for being merciful to me after dealing me such a hard blow. Anyway, coming back to my topic, that remark of his made me think deeply. Perhaps my life was not as much of an open book as I thought nor was I perhaps as easy a person to read as I had always believed myself to beJ. This remark of his made me think of another thoughtless remark he had made to me during one of our long chats, “How come you are so immature in life?” and I was totally stumped. Well, I’m not exactly the epitome of maturity but I definitely didn’t deserve this!!! Just then sensing the growing silence at the other end of the phone, my friend who knew that he had inevitably put his foot in his mouth tried to apologize making things worse and then finally giving up rephrased it this way - “How come you are always so cool and never take anything seriously?”. I then knowledgeably said “Ah, so this is what you wanted to know.” I told him that to be quite honest I have never quite figured how I manage to be cool when everyone else around me is losing their head and stewing in panic. However later, after an hour or so of more random chatting, I hung up. That night as I went to sleep, I found myself unable to sleep. Somehow, his question was sticking out nastily not letting me to sleep. At last, at three in the morning, I found the answer after having rejected several answers such as “I’m cool because I didn’t care?” -not true because if I did not care about my future then what did I care about? Nope, didn’t make sense- or “I’m cool because I don’t realize the consequences fully?” –possible but no- or “I’m cool about things because I have never really felt the heat? – Again possible- but the right answer finally came to me. That was simply that my inbuilt Sagittarian mechanism never lets me dwell on sad things for long and manages to find a bright side to every dark thing. That helps me fight my battles, never tiring emotionally because I’m my best friend, coach and mentor. There might be some people who might relate to this kind of statement that I have made while others might think it plain presumptuous on my part to say so or those who would think its complete rubbish what I just said. Either way, when I conveyed the answer to him he told me that he admired me for my ability to be childlike and yet coolly tackle situations and that it was a very precious gift.

Either way people, when you come to think of it, life is always as blessed as you make it to be. It is up to us whether to wallow in tears of self pity or toughen up, keep the smile plastered firmly on our face and surge forward bravely with hope in our hearts. We can find happiness only if we recognize it for what it truly is, instead of chasing after some crazy illusions of temporary happiness.

So long then...keep spreading the wisdom and love and..keep smiling. Importantly, please do comment because it feels nice to know other's insights too. Ta ta.